Haven't blogged in several weeks, quite simply because I didn't want you all to know what was going on in my head...hehe I came to realize this is a very public diary and didn't want the whole world reading my tale of woes. But have in turn realized this is a diary and in a few months I'm gonna wish I had blogged on some of my experiences and emotions during these times....
Since my last post, we have been told that my very best friend has been diagnosed with cancer. In saying that, I want to clarify that it is a very small tumor, it is confined and they feel that after surgery on Oct 31st and then 6 weeks of radiation starting the first of 2012, she will be "cured" and not have to face this again! BUT, it is still cancer and along with the diagnoses came all the fears, tears and panic that always seem to accompany that dreadful word. I can only tell you what went on in my head not hers (I am going to encourage her to start her own blog during this process.) I felt helpless and scared. Then I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility and protection for her and her family. It almost consumed me and I could have/probably did, smother her those first 2 weeks..hehe But, we have become more educated on her surgery, her treatments and her "game plan" and a spirit of calm & peace has stepped in where fear and panic once was. Now we are just resolved to get through this and get to the other side. She has an amazing spirit about it and will come through it with such victory, stories and laughs!! That's just her way and personality. (she has already bitten her Radiologist- another blog post-lol)
Since this discovery, God has awakened me almost every morning with a different song on my heart. I know this is His way of giving me just what I need for when I need it. Today it was...."He Keeps Me Singing." Which by the was is my Dad's favorite song!
I actually thought when we lost Ellison Claire, that we had faced the hardest trial I would ever have to go through. Well, I think this "Being still and knowing..." has been even harder for me. Don't get me wrong, I am happy!! Steve and I are still very much in love and our boys are healthy and thriving! Preston is doing so good is 1st grade and his teacher says she is seeing such an amazing improvement in him in just the first 6 weeks. Grayson, is counting to 10 and saying the cutest things. We have food, our cars still run, we are still very involved in our church and our responsibilities there. But I think I almost feel like "I am standing still and the world is going on around me!" ~borrowed from a friend We have taken some steps that could completely alter our lives and future forever but are waiting to see if they come to pass (waiting again) We have placed our home on the market as of June and not even had an offer (waiting again) Steve has been building deer stands since the beginning of summer to help supplement our finances and those are about to run out, so I have been asking around and feeling the waters for a baby to keep in our home so I can also help supplement the income and literally every door has been shut! It's just....."still"
Normally I totally enjoy the quiet and stillness of my life but right now it is so frustrating. As I mentioned at the beginning of my post, my Granny said her "trial of her faith" lasted for almost 5 years! She said she simply walked by what she knew in her head and not what she felt in her heart because he heart was hurting and leading her astray. She said she know in her head that any wrong decision made during that trial would forever determine the destiny of her children and husband- there was more then just her weighing on that decision. I pray I have her "guts" and can hang on until God feels I have learned whatever this is He is trying to teach me and lifts this from me.
I am not posting this to get sympathy or to make people think I am offended or hurt by someone. I am simply opening up my heart and giving you glimpse of where I am right now, so when I starting posting victory reports you can rejoice with me because you know where He brought me from...;)
"Though sometimes He leads through waters deep
Trials fall across the way
Though sometimes the path seems rough and steep
I see His footprints all the way...." ~He Keep Me Singing
Have you every had a similar experience or trial? What were some of the things that helped you hang on until you got through it? I would love to hear from you! Just remember...
"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalms 46:10
